There is a part of me that demands an audience. It is a dripping tap in an enclosed space. Each drop summons my conscience to utter words to an unavailable audience.
“It’s like running into a wall every second and I am tired. I will not call or remind him of what he needs to do for his son because I am tired.”
She sank back into the chair and reached out for my hand. I held her hand and waited because a dripping tap will not stop until you fasten it. Sometimes, it will give you the illusion that it has, only to drip again when unfastened.
“How much pain can a person take? Is there a limit to what one endures, where they say okay, no more pain and that’s it?”
I desire to tell her that she will feel the pain but it won’t be an everyday nightmare. She will take care of her son and he will get the best in life. She will also have to deal with unexpected invites from the son’s father because even the most irresponsible people do ask themselves “what if?”
“I changed my phone number because I want to start afresh. If my son ever wants to meet his father, then I will organize a meeting but that’s it.”
I nod and look at the little boy. He’s got his legs in the air and he is waving his hands and drooling as he smiles at me.
His father is a fool. He is one among many but who is to pull his ear and tell him that he is going to regret this? Who can beat some sense into him when he is out with his boys bragging about a son he has never laid eyes on. Or how he says that his baby mama is driving him insane and the guys nod in assent because they only have his version to go by.
It is the ultimate turnaround.
She smiles and wipes away her tears then reaches for the son and breastfeeds him. He is suckling with his feet up in the air. I need such flexibility in my life.
“I don’t know what the future holds but so help me God, my son won’t be a bailout. If he at some point gets his girlfriend pregnant, I will make him take responsibility and even go a step ahead and care for the girl because it is not easy. Sometimes I wonder did his dad really mean to marry me? How can you get your fiancee pregnant and then say ‘I’m out’ when she tells you that she is pregnant?”
There is a part of me that demands an audience and when I close my eyes I can name twenty single mothers I know. I can also name the fathers who spend their time and money on everything but their children and sometimes I too do wonder just how much pain a person can take.